Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
