Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
