So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
