I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There r osticjed everywhere
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
