i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
