i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
