dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
