i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I stole a fireplace last night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
