I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
