I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
