i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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