before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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