did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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