i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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