i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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