I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
