Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
