Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
