I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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