SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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