You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
