I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
