and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Even my vagina gasped.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
