All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
