we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
