She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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