If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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