Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
