That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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