I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
