Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
