Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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