drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
