hotel room ftw
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just gift wrapped bread.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
