I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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