Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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