after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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