When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
