Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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