I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
