apparently the secret to your success is patron
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
