i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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