just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
