I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
