I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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