Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
