I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We are all done wearing pants today
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
