I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
