So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
