glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
