he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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