She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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